Role as a parent

Kahlil Gibran’s famous poem in The Prophet.

Your children are not your children. They are sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls. For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow. Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams!
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

Not trying to seek justification for my relationship or the lack of, with my parents. But as I was reading this article posted on facebook by sgparents, I couldn't help but think how much I agree with this. I do not belong to anyone. My parents were merely the vessel for which I was carried into this world. It does not determine how I should feel towards them. That should be determined by how I was treated after I was born. Why am I indifferent towards them? Perhaps because they were the same way to me when I was growing up.

This is the main reason why I have chosen to be a SAHM. I told myself long ago that if I were to have children, I must not behave indifferently. Some people seemed to think I have to show my kids that I am close to my parents because if not, my kids will learn the same and in future treat me the same way. What hypocrisy! I will not put on a 'show' to tell my kids to treat me nice. I want to teach my kids to be honest with their feelings. I believe if they can feel my love now, I will be loved in return. As such, I will try my best to be present and involved in their growing up years and be as good a parent as I can.

But how can one be a good parent? It is afterall such a fine line between controlling and guiding, being critical and being constructive, doing too much/little and just enough, indulging and loving.
Read this article and hope to become a better parent. http://networkedblogs.com/p19384925

Aidan misses his Daddy

In my books, there are two types of Daddies. The Present ones and the Absent ones. The Present ones are those who are involved in their child's life on a daily basis. So when they're not around, their absence are truly felt and they are sorely missed.

Tonight, as always when Daddy is on his work trip, Aidan has trouble going to sleep. Every night, it is Daddy who gives him his bath, dries and dresses him and then tucks him to bed. So when I put him to bed, it's not the same. He misses his Daddy.

At first, he didn't want to be put to bed. So I carried him to my bed, sang him songs, patted him and tried to make him sleep. I even pretended to sleep. But Aidan was too restless. So after a futile attempt, I put him back into his cot expecting him to protest but to my surprise, he didn't. I thought he'd finally fallen asleep. However, after 10mins, he started screaming. When I went to him, he was standing up so I carried him back to my bed again. This is when daddy called. I put him on speaker and let him talk to Aidan. Then I told Aidan to say goodbye to Daddy, which he did by opening and closing his fist (he still hasn't started speaking and this is his version of a goodbye wave) and Daddy gave him a kiss through the phone. And guess what? After I hung up, Aidan immediately turned around so that I was spooning him, and let me cuddle him to sleep! He fell asleep soon after.

Now Daddy, if you're reading this, this is evidence that Aidan does miss you!

An Infant no more

So now Aidan is officially a toddler. He has turned one, he can walk well, he seems to understand what we say to him and certainly has a mind of his own! That last point is the one that I'm most wary of. He is already trying to push the boundaries, trying to see what he can do without Mommy saying 'NO", trying to get his way by manipulating our emotions. I am waiting, expecting him to throw his first major tantrum anytime now.

So the D word looms in my mind all the time. Discipline. It's a fine line. To show we care, love and yet we're no pushovers. I do not want to raise an ill-behaved brat and over-indulgent parenting will guarantee that. But I do not want to be an over-controlling, strict and no-fun parent either. So it's time to hit the bookstore again and get those books. Meanwhile, this site is a good read and guide for now.

http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/0_the-discipline-tool-kit-successful-strategies-for-every-age_1475318.pc?scid=momstodd_20081125:2&pe=2UcMLRM

No threesome in bed

The downside to having your baby sleeping by himself, in his cot and in his own room is that you'll miss him terribly at night. Maybe it's because when asleep, he looks so angelic that you forget that bundle of energy that would make us exhausted in the day. Perhaps it's because you just want to share that peace and quiet with him that is never there in his waking hours. Or maybe it's because....well, who can resist those chubby and succulent thighs! hehe...

So being one of the rare mums who could get her baby to sleep on his own without fuss every night, I was surprised to find myself getting envious of mummies who have their babies in bed with them. So we couldn't help but tried to bring him to bed with us. We tried thrice. All three of us ended up not able to sleep. Aidan was confused and kept trying to sit up then fall over as he was half asleep. Used to the space he had in his cot, he would roll, turn and flip around and mostly ended on top of us. We were either too amused or too afraid of crushing him that we couldn't sleep either.

Sigh...so much for getting him to sleep on his own :)

Aidan: a textbook baby

One of the first things I did after I learnt that I'd conceived was to get books. No, not the "what to expect when you're expecting" type of books (these info are easily available on the internet and http://www.babycenter.com/ is an excellent resource) but the babycare books.

DH and I knew all along that if we were to start a family, we'd be doing it pretty much on our own. This explains why I'm a SAHM because we have zero help and I definitely do not want to leave my baby alone with a domestic help. So I need to learn how to care for a newborn and how to raise a baby in less than 10 months!

Hence, the term textbook baby. We didn't even hire a confinement nanny. It's just DH, me and the textbooks, no kidding. Of course, it's somewhat like sitting for a practical exam by studying the theory, so you can imagine how inadequate we felt. Aidan, when he was a newborn was as predictable as Melbourne's weather (they say you can experience up to 4 seasons in a single day). So alot of the times, we were frantically flipping through the pages and found no answer. However good these books are, they won't cover every single aspect. Before Aidan came, I was pretty confident and thought I was well-prepared but with every few baby steps I took, I met with an obstacle. (ok I digressed)

The book I found to be the most helpful was Tracy Hogg's "Secrets of The Baby Whisperer". I followed many of her advice/routine plus a few of my own baby mantras (to be elaborated) and so far, I find Aidan to be pretty well-trained in several aspects.

1) He'd managed to sleep and wake up at the right feeding times. So he'd never stayed awake all night.

2) By the 6th month, he could sleep throught the night for 8-9hours a stretch.

3) When he was breastfed, I didn't have to latch him on for comfort sucking because I didn't feed him on demand. That left me some spare time.

4) His meal times are pretty standard and I don't have to guess if he's crying because he is hungry.

5) He always sleeps in his cot, in his own room.

6) He has no problems falling asleep on his own. He doesn't need to be rocked or held to be able to sleep.

7) He doesn't need me to be around all the time. He is quite comfortable playing or entertaining himself. I don't have to bring him with me on my toilet breaks!

8) He could sit in the stroller when we go out and never needed me to carry him.

If you've heard stories from mummies of a newborn, you'll know that they would be so envious. And yes, if you ask me, I think we did a fairly decent job :)

I think it also helps when it's only the two of us. He doesn't have eager grandparents around to spoil him or pick him up the moment he cries. But sometimes I feel sorry for Aidan especially when I brought him for his jabs and I saw that other babies have their set of parents and grandparents to accompany them while Aidan only has poor ole me.