Although I stopped breastfeeding Aidan at around 6 months, I want to blog about it to serve as a reminder to the intial utter horrific but later most fulfilling experience.
Most women tend to fret about labour pain but my major concern had always been pain from breastfeeding. Elaine would tell you that this had been my fear since many many years ago. Out of shyness. I shall not disclose the reason for this fear. I'd suspected, that this was going to be an extremely painful process for me. Indeed it was, and more painful than I could ever imagine.
It's really amazing how a tiny baby could so instinctively and efficiently chomp chomp right away while being totally oblivious to your pain. By the end of the first day, the staff nurse was shocked at the extent of my sore nipples. She couldn't figure out why it was this bad as Aidan was latching on well and you're not supposed to get very sore if the baby is properly latched on.
On the second day, he drew blood. I didn't know till I saw blood spots on his tiny baby vest and around his tiny mouth. I was advised to air my nipples, might as well as I couldn't bear to put on my bra anyway. It was too painful. Any contact was painful, so I went shirtless as well. The staff nurse commented that most people by then, would have given up. Thinking back, I had no idea how I endured it all.
My breasts were swollen and nipples were the size of my thumb. It never stopped feeling tender, sore and painful. For two weeks, I was walking around the house topless. It's not a pretty sight, I looked and felt mutilated especially since I was also recovering from C-sect. This is really bad because during confinement, we're supposed to keep very warm and not get exposed to any wind. Hence, during the first month, I caught the chill, shivered non stop for 5 hours and had high fever twice. I don't think my body has recovered since. I still get aches and 'wind' in my body.
There was never a problem with latching on. Aidan was a natural at it and could not have enough. This was made a lot worse by my milk not coming in till the end of the first week. I felt really stressed out and so useless. By then he was already drinking 90ml. After that, my milk came in slowly and I could never keep up with his pace. As such, we had to supplement him with formula. This was a really long and tedious process. With many books written about nipple confusion, we had used a cup for fear that he wouldn't reject my slow flowing nipple. So each feed took about 1.5hours and in another 1.5 hours, we would start the whole process all over. Muliply that by 7 times a day. It was the longest 2 weeks of my life. (we finally gave him the bottle around 2 weeks) There was no day and night. Weekends meant nothing. You don't see any way out or an end to the cycle. I had at most 4 hours of fragmented sleep a day for the first week. By the end of the first month, my total fragmented sleep was, at best, 6 hours a day.
Somehow, by the end of the second week, my nipples were toughened up. It gradually became less painful and sore and eventually, it even began to look normal. However, I think I truly got the hang of breastfeeding only after the 6th week and slowly I began to enjoy the process.
I don't know how to describe the feeling. It must be the most amazing and awesome feeling that you're giving this little helpless being, food made from your body. You're nourishing this tiny being and giving him the best nourishment possible. You're making and seeing him grow stronger everyday by drinking the best that you can possibly give him that is breastmilk. Seeing him suckle happily and filling his little tummy gave me the greatest sense of achievement. All the pain had been worthwhile.
I felt sad when I made the decision to stop breastfeeding. It's like everything that I had endured for, came to an end. What a waste. I still miss being pregnant very much. A baby was inside of me, it was a part of me. With the end of breastfeeding, it's like the final intimate connection with my little precious one was broken forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment